Me Time


Sarah Darkmagic - Posted on 20 May 2014

It's a bit strange to be writing again. My online presence had dwindled for about 2 years, I know, but the past 4 months in particular have been a bit of time for and about me and have been a good capstone for my multi-year transformation.

For those who don't know, I suffer from both anxiety (pretty much all the time) and depression (more cyclical). It's pretty much always been that way. I was always shy as a kid and afraid that people wouldn't like me and I remember periods of my childhood when I didn't want to eat food because its taste didn't seem worth the effort of chewing. When I started playing D&D a few years ago, it helped me get out of a depression I was in then. But, unfortunately, it also triggered the sort of attention that often causes me to sink back in, namely sexism and negativity for negativity's sake (versus constructive criticism which some people seem to conflate).

In addition to dealing with that stuff in the gaming sphere, there were a number of real life things that made me require a space where sexism couldn't flourish. One of my friends who had been a big support of my work (in part because she too didn't like the sexism in our culture, especially the latent, unquestioned type) was suicidal and eventually killed herself. Fred was rather close to her and was someone who was trying to get her to get help. Someone else who was very close to me was also suicidal and went to the hospital. Then Jared got cancer. Playing support for so many people led to an ever deepening depression of my own that I tried to put on hold as I helped others. There should be a mechanic for that with paladins, I swear. To top everything off, I found out last October that my job was going away at the end of the year and also that for much of my career I was paid significantly less than market.

So, starting January 1st, I put my mind towards becoming a phoenix and reemerging from the ashes. While I still felt fragile, my depression had stabilized and my mood improved thanks to therapy and medication. I decided that it was a good time to check out the rest of me and it's good I did, my insulin resistance had gotten worse and my blood sugar was no longer steady. This of course can impact one's mood and mental health, so we found at least two things that were probably negatively reinforcing each other. In the past I've suffered from anemia and the doctors always told me to eat more iron to help. Well, it turns out that I actually had non-iron-deficiency anemia, a condition that's common among some mediterranean people that is caused by genetics, similar in concept to sickle cell. Mine isn't that bad, so I probably carry the recessive gene, but it could explain some of my fatigue. In brighter news, my stress test and cardiologist visit went pretty well considering that I was born with a heart defect, so small victories. Oh, and I've lost about 20 pounds.

In addition to dealing with the mind and body, I worked on our house! We put up bookshelves in the dining room, turning it into a book and game library. We finally put up curtains and our landlord bought us a new fridge when the old one died. My parents got to visit me for an extended weekend and we worked on some of the house projects together.
Dining RoomDining Room

Then I got a new job which is absolutely awesome. I love the people I work with and I have a bunch of support now that I didn't quite have before (larger companies are good for some things). To celebrate, we got a new couch and chair for our living room and made our guest room into a lounge which is much more useful for us. I'm also going to be able to go to more tech conferences with a goal of speaking at some in the next few years. I've already presented here at work during our big group lunch.

I presented at PAX East! On a panel about anxiety and depression in gamers. It was one of the hardest panels I ever did because, like this post, it was the real me and sometimes a bit close and personal. It was also hard because of some of the questions. For instance, one person asked what video game characters did we escape into as kids when we had issues. The hard part for me was that video games at that time didn't have that sort of escape for me. Instead I found hope in books like Little Women. I felt bad because the question brought up that divide that exists for some in gaming. I wanted to be able to name a character because it would make him feel better but at the same time, I could tell my honesty resonated with a number of the women in the audience because they were nodding their heads.

I also took up gardening. We have a bunch of herbs and some small number of fruits and vegetables. We don't have a yard to grow them in so I found some great containers for our deck area. I also got a bunch of indoor citrus trees for the living room and a big split leaf philodendron.
GardenGarden

Last week we took a vacation to Seattle, in part for the wedding of two of our college friends. I got to meet up with a bunch of my gaming friends that I hadn't seen in a while (in part because I had to miss GenCon last year) and we also had a mini college/fraternity reunion. It was during that week that I felt my old self resurface a bit. As an added bonus, I came back to find that Jared had spent a fair bit of time fixing up our "house" in Starbound.

So why am I writing this? Well, partly because I want to thank of you who have stood by me in the past and been the rays of sunshine that I needed. I also hope it explains a bit why issues of representation in games are important to me. Also, my experience at PAX East reaffirmed my belief that there can be healing in sharing our stories.

Send feedback using the contact form or through twitter, @sarahdarkmagic.

Resources for FAQs

Search

Syndicate

Syndicate content